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[Misc] Flowers
I rode Dreamer today. I'm a little frustrated because I feel like what could have been a very good, positive experience on a semi-new horse basically ended in failure because Wayne wanted me to trot. And I'm incredibly frustrated that I can't get over it and make him trot.

Anyway, I was a little nervous because my last two lessons weren't as good as they could have been, so I thought "Well, I'll try visualizing the lesson and breaking it down." It worked great, I think, but I counted on riding Blackie. Instead, I got Dreamer, who's a big baby but unfamiliar. I took it easy and we went to the round pen and did liberty for a few minutes. Everything was great. Then I got on and we made a couple of laps around the arena. Still great. I was relaxed, Dreamer was fine, all good. Then we went to do four leaf clovers at a walk and it was still fine. And finally, the next step in the lesson was to work on speed control.

More walking....I was working on pushing him up to a faster walk then easing back down. Dreamer's sort of lazy and Wayne actually commented that he walked better for me than a lot of people because I left him alone and didn't push him.

Now, the lesson probably should have ended there. But Wanye suggested I trot and so I pushed Dreamer up and we got a couple of fence panels, but I got nervous and sort of went to a fetal position and he stopped. Then when we went the other direction and I told him to trot, I hung onto the reins (specifically the left rein) and pulled him off the rail to the middle. I got it back, it was fine.

The problem was I got shaken up at that point. And Wayne was trying to push me to trot again (and I tried it two or three more times and it didn't work). And I was getting pretty rebellious at that point. Wayne had a good point: that if I didn't trot this week, it would be that much harder to get it when I came back. And I could get a trot. The problem is that phobias are an irrational fear and I knew that once that happened, I wasn't going to get it and I was just setting myself up to fail every time I tried and making it that much worse. It wasn't *fun*. And I don't cry that often (once a year, usually), but I was so frustrated at that point that I wanted to cry.

I talked to Becky, which was okay. We had a good conversation, like nothing had happened, but I'm still not sure. I think it's going to be a very casual, see-her-at-the-barn and maybe working with the wolfdogs friendship, but I don't think it's going back to the way it was.

After that, I came home and I was a little tired. I finally figured out why my mom thought the lattes were "bitter": I was using a lot less milk than than most coffee places use. I adjusted that and it's fine.

Then, I was sleepy, so I finished Sweet Far Thing and took a nap.

And tomorrow, I get to get up and clean.

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Sounds like a matter of failing in the mind before setting your mind to it! Prepare for success, and always try to keep that positive outlook. I'm very convinced positivity encourages great results anymore. When I went ice skating for the first time last year, I was the ONLY one not to fall. I still haven't- as soon as I let go of that stupid wall, I kinda tried to tear into the center, and speed just to do it. And I did it! Buckling at skating is a terrible idea though.:P

Not to say horse riding isn't harder than skating, because then you're basically on this creature that if you fall off you can be trampled in my opinion. But I'm not used to being around them, so perhaps I'm vastly off-target and feel free to correct me.:)

Sometimes, it's best to just let go and cry. Ever since I cried for like, 5 hours on Tuesday, I've generally felt better. And if I ever feel like crying now, I remember the good advice I got and feel, hey, I can handle it!

I'm glad you're being nice. You're pretty admirable for that, honestly. I kind of expected you to uh, choke-hold her with words, lol. I see I was worried for nothing. Onee-sama can be scary.>->;;

Congratulations on finishing!

Sounds like fun.;)

And check your Gaia PMs lady! It's the most important of important of ESSENTIAL this time. I promise.

I need to start using the LJ messaging system.XD
Why didn't I do that in the first place? Gosh, I'm a little bit special.

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